Imagine yourself in one stable and lasting relationship is the dream of many. Often, however, we look little at ourselves and do not realize that we are not ready to create a fertile ground that can help love blossom. There mindfulness it is an ally in a path of awareness that can help us feel good about ourselves and with others, regardless of sentimental status.
Carolina Traversopsychologist and mindfulness teacher, in the book Simply singlepublished by Hoepli, dedicated to loving self-acceptance, offers concrete and autobiographical examples and guided practices aimed at becoming more aware of our worth and what each of us truly desires in a relationship.
Traverso’s latest book, former author of Mind calm open heartwants to be a simple and immediate guide to undertake a work on ourselves, preliminary to any love relationship.
Today being single it is still a taboo: there is in fact a social cliché that describes single people, especially if they are older, defeats and misplaced. Finding oneself alone, however, also becomes an opportunity to work on yourself and welcome a new relationship in a more balanced and conscious way. A necessary step therefore, and useful in any phase of life.
We are in a historical era in which lasting relationships are less and less frequent. The percentage of individuals living alone, by choice or circumstance, has exceeded 50% in many large European cities, and single-person households are roughly 40% in countries such as Sweden, Norway, Denmark and Germany.
How many singles are there in Italy? According to an ISTAT survey, from 2001 to 2020 they doubled with Rome and Milan in the lead, with 47.5% and 52.8% of lonely hearts respectively. An emotional work on oneself therefore becomes an opportunity for personal growth.
The path suggested by Carolina Traverso starts from this first great affirmation: first of all, we must love each other. We explored the subject with her, also trying to steal some tricks or secrets to silence that inner voice that first makes us feel out of place in the condition of single.
How is the stigma of being single created? When does being single become a condemnation from a conscious choice?
“It is presumed that the negative associations related to being single derive from a society that, for a long time, has placed marriage and being in a couple among the sure signs of existential success. There is still a tendency to automatically think that those in a relationship are happier and healthier than those who are not, and if a single person internalizes this belief, they can end up believing that something is wrong.
In technical terms, let’s talk about singlisma word coined by the American sociologist Beautiful DePaulo to indicate the fact that singles are subject to stereotypes, prejudices, discrimination, among which, for example, the fact that we tend to think that those in a couple are happier and more balanced than those who are not – as a psychotherapist I can assure you which is not true.
Sometimes the singlism it gets internalized and those who are single end up wondering: “What’s wrong with me?”. This belief of being to be broken and incomplete it feeds the eagerness to find a partner and the odds of mistaking for great love encounters that are far from really being one. It is a subject on which I often work also in psychotherapy with my patients ».
In English there are words loneliness And alonenessto distinguish between two different types of loneliness: how exactly do they differ?
“Feeling alone (loneliness) it is feeling alone, wanting to connect with others and not succeeding. It is an emotion that we can all feel, from time to time, even in a crowd. If it is associated with the fear of having something wrong and not counting for anyone, it can become particularly painful and difficult to manage.
Being alone (aloneness) instead, it represents solitude as a choice to recharge, reflect, rest. It is, for many, also the space where creative ideas are born. As a psychotherapist and mindfulness teacher I would not say that there are negative emotions, but, rather, more difficult to manage and that, precisely for this reason, need more attention.
When loneliness is experienced not as a choice, but as something one suffers, there is the risk of falling into choices of compromise so as not to be alone “.
And if a person is afraid of being single, what happens? What could be the consequences of this attitude?
“Let’s start with an assumption: there are happy singles, others less or not at all. The possibility of living being single with relaxation, for a shorter or longer period, depends on the perception of being single following a choice, or as the result of a cruel destiny or, again, as a sign of personal failure.
Those who are single and want an important romantic relationship should first ask themselves how they live their singleness, even using, if they want, the phrases that make up the Fear of Being Single Scale (FBSS) elaborated by Stephanie S. Spielmann and collaborators: “I feel anxious at the thought of staying single forever”, “It scares me to think that there may be no one out there for me”, “The older I get, the harder it will be to find someone”, “I have to find a partner before I am too old to have children “,” I feel that the possibility of finding the love of my life is nearing its end “,” If I end up alone in life, I will probably feel like someone who has something that it does not work”.
Spielmann’s research, published in 2013 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychologyrevealed that the fear of being single it concerns men and women equally, which can also be present in those in a stable romantic relationship and, above all, that the more we convince ourselves that to be happy we must be in a couple at all costs, the more we risk betraying ourselves, accepting relationships that are excessively unbalanced on compromise.
If we continue to be in a relationship where we have been feeling unhappy for a long time, if we accept a history of sex with someone we have more serious feelings for, if we are in a relationship where we know our deepest needs cannot be met or, again , if we insist on dating someone for whom, after all, we don’t have all this interest… it could be due to the fear of being single ».
Is the axiom “love must not be sought, it finds you effortlessly” true? How do you know that’s love?
“True, but not true. It is true in the sense that, when there is trouble, there is a risk of exchange buggies for loves. It is, at the same time, false because love is cultivated, first of all starting from a healthy love for oneself, which is the basis for living a life full of love, regardless of being single or not.
Love requires space, reciprocity, honor and listening. Space to rediscover yourself and the other, a bit like in a dance. Reciprocity is needed: remembering that both partners can make mistakes, even as both are committed to loving each other.
It takes honor, understood as being reliable and sincere people, on whom you can count. It also takes a lot of listening skills, of oneself and of the other. Otherwise there is a risk of great misunderstandings and great complications ».
Is there the possibility that a single person, even in the face of love, chooses to continue his / her single status, rejecting it? Because?
“Those who have not worked through the past could withdraw into themselves for fear of new wounds. In these cases, psychotherapy is needed. Then there is the case of those who say that he would really like to find the right person and live a beautiful love story, but then he is attracted to people who are unable to commit or with whom he establishes a conflictual relationship. . Also in these cases I suggest a psychotherapeutic work that allows you to review your personal history and choose better for yourself “.
What are the risks that can be incurred if a person, before loving someone else, does not learn to love himself?
«In addition to the already highlighted risk of being in compromise relationships, the most extreme one is to cancel one’s needs in order to maintain the couple relationship. It is called emotional dependence and, even in this case, psychotherapy is needed ».
How can meditation be one of the solutions to experience singleness in a profitable way?
“Meditation helps us see that we don’t need someone to complete us because we are already complete. And to love each other while knowing that, like everyone else, we always have some work to do on ourselves “.
What to do to prepare for love: any suggestions?
“First of all, consolidate a good relationship of love with ourselves. Mindfulness is a great tool, sometimes integrated with psychotherapy. And then stop identifying love solely with romantic love. Love exists in various forms, to be cultivated as much as possible. In addition to love for ourselves, there is love for family, love for friends – which are, after all, our great platonic loves – love for a project, or for a cause that is right for us. at heart or, again, for an animal that we take care of and that, with its presence, takes care of us. And if we observe carefully, we can realize that every choice, even a small one, even putting an empty cup of coffee in place, can be made with love, or sloppiness, or aggression.
Really love us, and cultivating love in all its forms allows us to nurture our need for connection. Once our need for connection is nurtured, we can relax and stop viewing being single as a sentence, or romantic love as a goal to be achieved at all costs. This also helps us not to waste time on silly or excessively complicated stories, to notice and make room for a great love story, when it arrives “.
And more specifically, any exercises or tricks to make friends with loneliness, to connect to ourselves?
“Charles Bukowsky, in poetry The crucial point, he said: “There is such a great loneliness in the world that you can see it in the slow clicks of the hands of an alarm clock”. I often wonder what she would say today, in the age of smartphones and social media.
It would be worthwhile to remind ourselves from time to time separate us from the mobile, especially if we tend to experience it as an additional organ, which we seem to be unable to do without. For example, try going out for a short walk and leaving him at home. Observe if, and how many times, it occurs to us to use it and ask ourselves: what was happening inside me, or around me, just before this desire arose? When we are at a dinner, a party, a meeting between friends, if we want to cultivate genuine human connections and, perhaps, make new encounters, it would be better to leave it in the bag, or in the pocket. Try staying at home with the phone off, or in another room, for at least an hour. Use this time to reconnect with yourself.
Another interesting exercise might be what I call “Dating with yourself”. Imagine you met a great person, you like each other and made you understand that she would like to go out with you on a first date. Where would you take it, what would you like to do together, how would you dress for the occasion? That person is you and you really deserve the best attention, without waiting for the moment you get it from someone else. “
Holidays for singles 2022: 10 offers to leave this summer
Sex toys: the best vibrators for single women and couples
Source: Vanity Fair
